When wealth is lost, nothing is lost; when health is lost, something is lost; when character is lost, all is lost.

Billy Graham

During my worst flares up one the scariest symptoms was de-realization (and often de-personalization). It is very hard to explain what I was experiencing inside me. I felt like I was watching the whole world around me like a movie, and I was outside. It was an “out of body” experience. I had that horrible feeling inside of me that I had never experienced before in my life. Something was really off with the biochemistry in my brain and I literally felt like my soul was leaving me. Those moments were the most difficult ones, I had multiple urges to end it for good, the only reason I did not take my life at those moments is my parents. They anchored me to stay in this world. And my threshold for physical and emotional pain is extremely high. But during those moments biochemistry in my brain would switch to something abnormal, that I had no control of.

My best description of it is like being out of your own body watching what is going on around you.  When I got it, it would be followed by a high anxiety. It is a scary and strange feeling. I had feelings of being detached from others. Lots of numbness. Sometimes there’s a feeling of floating, like I was off balance or not grounded.

I was feeling disconnected from the world and having a sensation of unreality. The sensation is described as if the world has become nothing more than a projection of a film. This sensation was really distressing and was making me believing that some permanent damage has been done to their brain, causing these sensations.

Usually I would develop a panic attack during those episodes and terrible unexplained anxiety. I would crawl in my bed for a couple of days until it goes away. I remember my sister called me one of those days and I started crying. She asked what’s wrong. And I told her I was not feeling well. So she would tell: “So why are crying, just take an aspirin.” You see, people do not understand and never will unless they experience it themselves what it feels like to have a chronic man-made illness.